Okay, maybe not exactly, but they’re being creepier than usual
by Theresa Amoruso
Staff Stephen King
So America has a clown problem. And I’m not just talking about the upcoming presidential election. Like all things that are irrational and absurd, the clownpocalypse began in The South. The first sighting was reported in Greenville, South Carolina. Much like our own Dirty South, The South of the U.S. is a wild place. Clowns are trying to lure kids into the woods with candy, which is exactly the kind of situation your mother warned you about. Seriously though, how the fuck do we have a clown problem? This is some real-life “American Horror Story” bullshit.
There are a few ideas as to where these clowns came from. My own theory is that this is the U.S. government’s way of subtly conducting a Purge. One frightened citizen, Kate Courter, said “I think that they’re aliens sent to be forerunners of world domination and also the apocalypse. I know this because I am a clown expert.” Well we can trust her, folks; she’s an expert.
Most people fear the clowns, but some genuinely pity them. Concerned clown connoisseur, Michael Rinaldi, states, “I like clowns. I feel bad for the ones who dress up to do kids’ birthday parties because they’re probably losing business.” And he’s right. According to my calculations, as I am also a clown expert, the rate at which children are requesting clowns to perform at their birthday parties is decreasing drastically. Another clown enthusiast, Samantha Knice, asserts: “We need to have a movement for clowns’ rights. But only real clowns.” How are we supposed to discern fun clowns from murderous clowns? I’ll tell you. You don’t. Just stay the fuck away from clowns in general. Kevin Johns expressed his fears when he said, “I was already afraid of clowns before this whole fiasco started. And now I have an actual reason to fear them.” You’re damn right Kevin. I wasn’t scared of clowns before this shitshow. But give anything a machete, even a bunny rabbit, and you bet your ass I’ll be terrified of that bunny rabbit. In the midst of the mixed emotions of fear and pity, we have unique individuals like Adrian Lee, who proudly says, “The clowns really turn me on.” You do you, Adrian. We’ve all got our things.
My favorite part of the clown fiasco is how they’re starting to infiltrate college campuses, like at Penn State this past weekend. News of the clown sighting spread through the campus like wildfire. Within minutes, the entire student population left their dorms to go clown hunting. This actually made my night. Because fuck the clowns. I think we should all just go clown hunting. I don’t think we have to worry though, because let’s be honest, we live in the Bronx. I don’t care who you are, but if you’re dressed as a clown and are parading around the Bronx with a weapon, you’re going to get shot. Monica Morra, a distraught freshman who claims to have lost sleep over this issue, says, “I can’t go back to Long Island. The Bronx is the only safe place left.” I never thought I would agree with this statement, but she’s right. I’m also from Long Island and I refuse to go home anytime soon. The clowns have taken over my hometown. Monica also stated, “If I see a clown, I won’t hesitate to run it over with my car.” You and me both, Monica.
Just a side note: if any of you dress up as clowns for Halloween you better believe I will go after your ass, pepper spray in hand. But let’s be real here for a second. One of these psychos actually killed someone. Can you imagine your cause of death being from a murderous clown? I certainly can’t. My advice to you all is to arm yourselves, comrades. The clownpocalypse is upon us.