by John Looby
Everyone in Walsh keeps bringing up their mini-fridge. Honestly I don’t see what the big deal is. Why is everyone so emotionally attached to their appliances? I didn’t cry nearly as much when the FAFSA demanded I turn over my first born son to them in order to have my loans processed. I actually sort of miss my little Joseph, my mini fridge though didn’t even have a name up until I tossed it from my tenth floor window and was overcome with the urge to scream out “Stella” by the ghost of Marlon Brando or some random off Broadway actor. I don’t know. He didn’t leave a card. I wasn’t even nearly prepared for the level of shrapnel that a fridge produces on impact and my god neither was that Toyota corolla. You have not truly lived until you see the door of a banned mini-fridge detonate a 2007 corolla like a god damned water balloon. My apologies to the owner, but admit it you were impressed that your license plate cleared the football field by over 30 feet.
This post mini-fridge life just makes me feel so pure and innocent. I mean aside from the numerous pending vandalism charges. I think Jesus spoke to me in my sleep last night. I’m not really sure though. I’ve been drinking nothing but spoiled milk for the last week and man oh man shit has gotten weird. I had a two hour conversation with the spirit of John Lennon two days ago and by John Lennon I mean what turned out to be my cardigan hanging on the back of a chair. Who knew severe food poisoning from assorted spoiled meats would be such a wild ride? If I’d known about this I’d definitely have been seasoning my food with mold spores before. Not having a mini fridge has been a transcendent spiritual experience. The path to Buddha’s enlightenment was probably around 80% just absence of a mini fridge. Confucius also definitely didn’t have a mini-fridge, Marx too, Nietzsche as well, and also Henry Thoreau probably. Dear lord mini-fridges are responsible for the death of philosophy.
I feel like I’ve learned so much from this experience. I taught myself how to build a drying rack in the apartment so I can turn all our meats into jerky just like they used to before the dawn of refrigeration technology. A few days ago I hunted and salted a McGinley cat. I’ve never felt more alive in my life. Okay that’s a lie, the peak of my life is still that corolla exploding. I mean the windshield melted like a dollar store candle. You just don’t see that everyday. After I finish our third drying rack I’m moving on to constructing an old school icebox in the living room. I figure if I get like 30 pounds of dirt from eddies and just stay really committed to efficient use of our two ice trays I could have a master piece on my hands. An absolute beauty of a dirt and ice mound with this technology I don’t foresee our meats spoiling for many moons.
The regression of Walsh of over a hundred years of technological progression has been a genuine godsend, but I say when not push it even further? We really want to cut costs and avoid power surges? Well I have a suggestion. Fuck electricity in general. The Amish seem incredibly happy. Granted there is a show called Amish mafia, but I think that has nothing to do with them having to do everything by candlelight. Let’s get some gas lamps up in this bitch. Charles Dickens seemed to manage pretty well with that and you know it’s not like everything he ever did was boring as shit and pretty awful. I’m absolutely certain that a dorm full of mostly drunken college students could manage even better if everything they did indoors depending on the use of flammable gases.
The removal of mini-fridges is just the beginning of the purification of Walsh. In coming months I fully anticipate the removal of all post 19th century technology from the dorm. The process will be a complicated and arduous one but I believe that once the student body is informed that they can just toss their shit out the window everyone will be incredibly enthused by the process. I look forward to our transformation to the first authentic 1870’s style campus. I will ride a horse on this campus while smashing anything electric before I die.