Probably not what they meant by "hot new update"
by Carly Johnson
As if people didn’t have reason enough to hate Androids (why do you have to be that person that makes the group chat green?), the new Samsung Galaxy Note 7 poses threats not only to your involvement in group chats, but now apparently to your safety as well. This phone is being recalled after multiple reports of the phone exploding while in use or charging. One incident reports a phone explosion setting a man’s Jeep on fire. Now maybe this was just karma for owning a Jeep, but other stories also support the fact that we shouldn’t be friends with Android users because they will try to kill us with their phones.
Don’t worry though, because the US Product Safety Commission is looking out for all of you Android users: they tweeted “Stop using @SamsungSupport Galaxy #Note7. Full statement: http://bit.ly/2cAiKBP,” because what better way to reach the growing number of smartphone users than through a blunt social media post? Hopefully this caught people’s attention, otherwise I’d suggest incorporating a bit more humor into twitter announcements.
Although the situation seems bad, it is still important to recognize the good that can come out of it. Anyone who wants to up their popularity level can go out and buy one of these bombs and not be lying when they say that their phone is blowing up. There is also potential for a new marketing campaign here, Samsung: rein people in by advertising for a phone that “will always be blowin’ up.” Hey, it may be misleading, but they wouldn’t be lying.
On the other hand, the whole Galaxy phones exploding could be the window to a conspiracy theory that’s most likely true: Flo Rida is the founder and president of Samsung, and purposely had his company engineer phones that would blow up in order to promote his song featuring Akon called “Available.” The evidence is abundant: in the second verse of this song, he sings “And if your man blow up your phone, turn off your ringer, girl.” He’s explicitly admitting to witnessing girls’ phones blow up. Also, “Flo Rida” has seven letters, and the Galaxy Note 7 is the phone. And it’s worth noting that if you rearrange the letters in “Miami, Florida” (Flo Rida’s hometown) you get “South Korea,” which is where Samsung was founded.
Now where does Akon fit into all of this? This connection is a bit harder to identify, but his involvement is undeniable since he is featured on “Available.” It turns out that Akon was also featured on Joey Galaxy’s “Around My Way.” That’s right – Joey Galaxy, as in Samsung Galaxy? Don’t tell me it’s just a coincidence.
If you step back and look at the whole situation, its actually quite an ingenious plan. Not only is Flo Rida making bank by running one of the leading companies in the technological industry, but he’s using this power to subconsciously incline people to buy his album R.O.O.T.S. And keep in mind, he’s doing all of this with no one realizing until now. Now he’s a businessman if I ever did see one. It wouldn’t be surprising if he became a professor at Gabelli in the next few years. Thanks, technology, for shedding light on the truth.
Keep in mind, though, that the phones still don’t get as hot as Fordham’s un-air-conditioned dorms. Let’s just add the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 to the list of hot things that blow up: discussions in Faith and Critical Reasoning, Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick’s breakup, soup in blenders, bands with creative differences among the members, the list goes on and on.