Editor's note: We're tired of running Trump pieces. Please stop.
by Michael O'Brien
Staff Really? Again?
Oh goody, I’m back here.
I’m not complaining about having writing to do, but I have to admit that constantly recording all of Donald Trump’s antics is like running forever along a mobius strip made of dogshit. The problem isn’t a lack of content, it’s that by the time I finish writing this, Donald “self-immolation” Trump will have already spewed out six or seven more sickening insults, incoherent rants, or threats to sue who knows what, all of which could comprise another article unto itself. With stories whizzing by at a breakneck pace to make way for the next headline, each controversy stacks on top of one-another and adds to the deafening white noise of news, making events that in any other election would be considered career-ending seem absolutely mundane. The angry, orange tree that salts the earth as it grows won’t stop, and the headlines are simply the rings that we use to tell how much time has passed. Welp, what can you do right? These are the times we live in, so enough dicking around, because it’s once more unto the breach for me, my dear friends. Below are two developments from Trumpland talked about in length. It’s not exactly a full overview, just the bits I find most important. First off, seems like some shit went down in fondle town so...
11 women come forward with stories of Trump’s sexual misconduct
In a testament to how woefully unprepared Trump was for the rigors of presidential elections, it seems that not a day goes by without somebody finding yet another skeleton in the man’s closet, many of which have to do with Trump’s mistreatment of women. The growing controversy, originally sparked by the first presidential debate in which Hillary Clinton accused Trump of mocking and tormenting a woman named Alicia Machado, reveals a consistent history of sexist and misogynistic behavior. Driving a beauty pageant contestant into multiple eating disorders is only the beginning of this horrible story, however. In leaked recordings of a conversation between Trump and Billy Bush in 2005, Trump boasts that his celebrity status allows him to make advances on women without their consent. The tape was an important flashpoint in the narrative, showing not only that Trump verbally demeans women, but also revealed the possibility that he sexually assaults them as well.
While Trump denies that this recording reflects his real character, claiming it to be “locker room talk”...whatever the fuck that means, in the past ten days, eleven women have come forward and told their stories regarding Trump’s sexual misconduct. The allegations about Trump’s actions: unwanted kissing, groping women without consent, forcing his hands up skirts, and barging into beauty pageant dressing rooms while women were naked, all but confirmed that the actions he referred to in the 2005 video were not simply off color banter, but borderline admissions of guilt (not that Trump really feels guilty about anything, ever). As more women came forward, Donald, ever graceful in the face of adversity, did what Donald usually does; that is to say he denied the allegations completely, found a way to blame Hillary Clinton for the allegations, and then proceeded to insult the accusers, calling them “sick” women, and liars seeking fame or money, but not before dismissing one woman in the group as too ugly to be deserving of his advances (this is the man that looks like a used condom dyed orange, lest we forget). Most recently, during a speech in Gettysburg, a town that’s heard some pretty good speeches from what I hear, Trump stated that “Every women lied when they came forward to hurt my campaign. The events never happened. Never. All of these liars will be sued after the election is over.” Not unlike his other problems (like facts, and reality), with these sexual assault allegations, Donald had done what I think we’d all do in this situation, and concluded that his problems are not his own, but instead part of an international conspiracy to rig the election against him, orchestrated by the Clintons, George Soros, the Illuminati, Beyoncé, and whoever makes Skittles. Speaking of which…
Trump dons his tinfoil hat, implies entire election is fixed
Starting with an underwhelming performance at the first presidential debate and exacerbated by the whole “probably a sexual offender” thing, Trump’s polling numbers have been tanking, badly. With less than a month to go, full recovery for the campaign is becoming nearly impossible. Even if Trump received a sizable bump in his polling numbers from now until Election Day (maybe Hillary gets caught sacrificing puppies to The Old Gods or something), at more than halfway through October, any improvement is likely too little too late. So, with the nomination drifting out of reach, what should our hero do? Well, this late into the game, there’s really only one sensible option, accuse the entire electoral system of being a conspiracy against you. In this roller coaster of an election, it takes a lot for a headline to actually shock the country; however, that’s exactly what happened following the third and final presidential debate, during which Donald Trump refused to say whether or not he would accept the final result of the election. Pressed by debate moderator Chris Wallace regarding if the candidate would concede the election if he were to lose, Trump avoided answering, only stating “I will tell you at the time, I’ll keep you in suspense.”
This statement might sound rather innocuous, but it’s very important to realize how batshit fucking insane this is. There’s certainly problems in the electoral system: The Electoral College, voter ID laws, gerrymandering; it has been constantly argued that systems like these undermine the fairness of the electoral process and should be removed. What’s unprecedented is a presidential candidate implying that the entire election is compromised, and that his opponent is the ringleader of a massive conspiracy controlling the results. In a frank response to Trump’s remarks, Hillary Clinton said “That’s horrifying. He is talking down our democracy, I for one am appalled that somebody who’s the nominee of one of our two major parties would take that kind of position.” Clinton goes on to list some other times Trump thought he was cheated: the Iowa Caucuses, the Wisconsin primary, and most notably the Emmy Awards, which, after not winning three years in a row, Trump started to tweet angrily about how it’s biased against his shows. Moreover, at a campaign rally just days after the debate, Trump stated to the crowd that he would accept the election results “If I win,” further indicating that he has zero self-awareness of his own absurdity. The perhaps more dangerous factor to be considered here is the possibility that Trump is sowing doubts about the electoral system in order to provoke voter intimidation, or violent reactions from his supporters. At a rally in rural Pennsylvania, Trump spoke to an all-white crowd and warned that there was widespread “voter fraud” occurring in certain (largely Black or Hispanic) neighborhoods of Philadelphia, “I hear these horror shows, and we have to make sure this election is not stolen from us and is not taken away from us, and everybody knows what I’m talking about.” Trump’s ominous and racially charged warnings about voter fraud, a crime so rare that out of a billion votes cast between 2000 and 2014 there were only 31 confirmed cases are, unsurprisingly, not really substantiated in any factual evidence at all. It’s easier to think about what Trump’s doing not as a coherent thought (because it isn’t really) and more like a vague buzzword for a widespread, Clinton-run conspiracy against him. Whether it be “voter fraud,” “rigged election,” or “emails,” the point isn’t the actual substance of the argument, the point is that it’s Hillary Clinton’s fault, which is unto itself justification for Trump and his supporters’ actions. The silver lining here is twofold: The reason Hillary’s winning isn’t because of some massive Illuminati-esque conspiracy, but instead because of better fundraising (almost exactly double the amount) with 141 million dollars spent on ads alone, and a resilient ground campaign with thousands of volunteers to get out the vote. Compare this to the Trump campaign and we see bleaker picture; while the rallies Trump holds look good on TV, a closer look will reveal that much like the man running, it’s mostly for show with no real substance behind it. Campaign offices are scarce and mostly empty, Trump’s campaign fundraising lags behind Clinton’s by almost 500 million dollars, and most importantly, while his supporters screaming about “crooked Hillary” and harassing newspapers are loud on the internet, a very small amount of those individuals actually got out and volunteered for the candidate that was going to “Make America Great Again” or some horseshit. The point is, like the man himself, the bark of the Trump campaign is much bigger than the bite, which is why even if Trump “contests the election” it’s largely meaningless, and shouldn’t be taken seriously by voters.