Just listen to “C is for Cookie” 402,047,167 times
by Jack Archambault
Staff Debt Activist
In case you’ve been busy these past few days, or unlike me have literally anything better to do than browse Reddit for 11 hours a day (actual statistic), you may have missed that an American hero is in trouble. That’s right, Nelly, the St. Louis-based rapper who popularized the face Band-Aid, is in debt. Like, a lot of debt. 2,412,283 US Dollars, to be exact. A mere mortal would surely crumble under the crushing weight of one of the largest celebrity tax liens ever, but Cornell Iral Hayes Jr. is no regular man.
Nelly is famous, which means he has fans. Fans who, in his 2002 song “Splurge”, he admitted to loving to death, until his last breath. Wow. Just wow. I can’t imagine loving anybody that much, except maybe Deathly Hallows era Neville Longbottom (How can you not?). The point is, we owe it to Nelly to return this unconditional love. It’s time to lace up our Air Force Ones and fire up Spotify, because our hero needs a hero. We can do this, Fordham. We can #SaveNelly.
The plan is simple: stream Nelly’s songs on Spotify so much that he collects enough in royalties to pay off his debts to the IRS. But how much is that? Spotify has reported that they pay artists between $0.006 and $0.0084 (or 0.05 and 0.07 Somoni for all our Tajikistani readers) each time someone streams one of their songs. This means that we will need to stream Nelly’s songs between 287,176,548 and 402,047,167 times in order to pay off the feds. While this may seem like an ungodly number of times to listen to “Pimp Juice”, thankfully the burden doesn’t fall on any one person. There are currently 6,971 undergraduate and graduate students enrolled here at Rose Hill, which means that each of us only needs to rack up roughly 41,196 to 57,674 streams. Furthermore, the average length of Nelly’s ten most popular songs on Spotify is 4 minutes, 15 seconds. This means it is possible for one person to stream approximately 338 Nelly songs every day, assuming the person streams for a full 24 hours. If we can do this, the Rose Hill campus can singlehandedly knock out Nelly’s debt in 122 to 171 days. That is some hot math.
Many people, mostly losers and people who don’t have grillz, seem to think that Nelly doesn’t deserve help of this nature. Given their way, they would have him – a man who has claimed to “keep a milli” on his person at all times – suffer the consequences of his fiscal irresponsibility. They are wrong. They are wrong because over the course of his fabled career, Nelly has imparted some truly invaluable lessons upon a nation of adolescents. From the value of hard work: “I push myself to the limit so my talent’ll surface,” to having a strong moral compass: “To tell they wrong from right, to turn your wrong right,” I can’t imagine where I would be right now if Nelly hadn’t taught me how to talk to girls: “I’m far from Average Lame with that ‘What’s your name?’ game.” To every kid who grew up in the 2000s, Nelly has been a second father, and only a monster would watch as their father’s assets are seized by the government.
I am proud to say that I have done my part thus far by streaming an impressive 79 hours of Nelly, from “C is for Cookie” to the timeless “Packed in Dis Bitch.” The trick is to find a song, preferably a short one, and put it on repeat when you go to sleep. Whether you choose to have Nelly sing you a lullaby or not, I want/need everyone to listen to as much Nelly as possible over the next six months. He needs us, Fordham. Let’s make it get hot in herre.