“Don’t let your kids watch them!"
by John Looby
I imagine that Hallmark produces their holiday movies in a sweatshop, a sweatshop of cringe-worthy plots and literally the worst cinematography outside of your Snapchat. Yes, you reader, your Snapchat is probably terrible, a vertical angle unsteady panning shot of a bar is fucking art though, am I right? I assume at this point the Hallmark Christmas movies are all shot and written on iPhones. I should probably give some context for my clear familiarity with and hatred for Hallmark Christmas movies: my mother watches them constantly during the holiday season, by holiday season I mean from a week before Thanksgiving until roughly a week after Christmas. Sometimes, I think she’s watching the same one again and then it just turns out that the plots are so similar that I have trouble telling them apart. Maybe I don’t pay enough attention or maybe they don’t put enough effort into them. I mean, I get that they’re churning these things out probably once a week to air on each Friday before Christmas, but for the love of god even the D list actors look like this work is beneath them.
I can’t imagine that after all these years trying to get their big break or maybe after “tragically” becoming a has-been, that these actors are super proud to now be the leading actor in what is essentially the death of film as art. Every minute spent acting in one of these films is just another minute closer to ushering in the death of their careers, my death because I assume I’ve lost years of my life to these movies I imagine the agony I feel while watching them cannot be healthy.
I’m going to take this article as an opportunity to request that Quentin Tarantino direct a Hallmark Holiday movie and yes, I do request an unorthodox level of violence for a Christmas movie on the same level as could be found in the likes of Kill Bill. Just constant bloodshed, I mean, feature someone be shurikened with a Christmas ornament. The soundtrack will of course include Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is you.” At this point, I’m just desperate for change. I want to go home for the holidays, but I also don’t want to watch the Hallmark Christmas movies. Can Obama just do one last super cool thing and maybe, just maybe, outlaw the Hallmark Christmas movies via executive order?
Actually, you know what, make a Christmas movie that cracks a joke about Donald Trump so he can tweet about it until the alt-right protest Hallmark into the ground. That’s how we’ll get this done, ladies and gentlemen. We’ll use the currently frightening trajectory of the American discourse to help assure that my winter break is slightly less annoying. Hell, maybe we’ll get that asshole Milo Yiannopoulos in on it, and he manages to ruin things all the time. I can’t imagine he couldn’t succeed in ruining an entire television network unless of course he is actually substantially less relevant than he likes to delude himself into believing he is.
Yes. This article about Hallmark movies did just somehow become vaguely political. I’m not quite sure how to be honest. Maybe it’s because I’m running out of things to say and at this point, am just reaching at straws for things to write about in a desperate bid to push this article out to a full 800 words, but you’ve got no real way to prove that now do you, Mr. Readerman? Maybe I’m just reacting to what has become a drastically altered state of the American political sphere and that I feel it’s pervasive impact in everything that I do even in just discussing a dislike for holiday movies.
So, I guess this’ll be the conclusion paragraph that is typically how you end something that is written and after all, this is written. Just to summarize and make this clear, I desperately want Hallmark holiday films to stop being a thing for the sake of my sanity and hearing I can’t go onward beyond this point. I’ve reached my limit of tolerance for this shit, ladies and gentlemen and also for whatever the hell goes on with the alt-right collective of bullshit and bigotry. I mean, what sort of group decides to resurrect the term cuck and expect to actually be taken seriously on the global political stage? All I’m saying, if not taking things seriously could get rid of them, then we would have been free of the Hallmark movies and alt-right movement quite some time ago, folks.