We asked for a Rudolph article, we got this instead
by Blackout Barbie
Sometimes plans just don’t work out at all. The plan was for this to be a drunken review of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer done at a party, but what actually happened was that I got way too drunk somewhere else and never even made it to the party. I mean like I wasn’t even really comfortable with the situation myself, to be honest, I kind of was really looking forward to seeing Rudolph. Instead, what happened was I stumbled back to my apartment and just watched an episode of Goosebumps because I’m basically just a child who can grow a beard at this point.
So, I guess I’ll just do a quick review of that Goosebumps episode which to be perfectly honest, I did not really fully comprehend or even watch. I fell asleep, which I think speaks more to my level of intoxication than the quality of the episode. I mean, I love Goosebumps, there is nothing I like more than the low production quality cheesy horror and also nostalgia. So yeah, Goosebumps is my fucking jam. The episode I attempted to watch from what I can remember involved an evil sponge thing, which first of all, oh my god that is fucking hilarious. It’s a sponge that causes you to have bad luck or something, I don’t really know. At one point, a cabinet full of acid falls over and almost violently kills an eight year old, which I thought was a shame because the actress grew up to be very attractive, because for some reason I thought if she died in this episode she wouldn’t currently be alive. Since, you know I was drunk and not particularly intelligent. Anyway, in this episode from what I understand, if you play happy music, it causes the evil sponge to get weaker and feels pain. An eight year old uses Gitmo tactics on a demon sponge because I don’t know, sponges clearly aren’t protected under the Geneva Conventions. Also, at one point, the sponge gets buried in the backyard and just starts killing everything in the yard and makes a dog magically disappear or something and the parents are not even remotely concerned. Like, I mean even if they didn’t believe that an evil sponge was haunting them, it clearly appears that someone has an obvious vendetta against them. If you’re entire yard mysteriously dies and your dog goes missing, you probably have a vengeful neighbor or live on a sacred burial ground. Even drunk, my inner gardener was just upset with how little this family cared about lawn maintenance. Do they not understand that curb appeal directly impacts property value for the whole neighborhood, you scoundrels?
I guess when it comes down to it, I’ll give the episode (I don’t know the title) a three out of five because even if I fell asleep, it is Goosebumps, after all and therefore, a piece of art of the highest order by interpretation. Yeah. Watch Goosebumps, not Rudolph.