We asked for a Rudolph article, we got this instead
by Blackout Barbie
Sometimes plans just don’t work out at all. The plan was for this to be a drunken review of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer done at a party, but what actually happened was that I got way too drunk somewhere else and never even made it to the party. I mean like I wasn’t even really comfortable with the situation myself, to be honest, I kind of was really looking forward to seeing Rudolph. Instead, what happened was I stumbled back to my apartment and just watched an episode of Goosebumps because I’m basically just a child who can grow a beard at this point.
“Don’t let your kids watch them!"
by John Looby
I imagine that Hallmark produces their holiday movies in a sweatshop, a sweatshop of cringe-worthy plots and literally the worst cinematography outside of your Snapchat. Yes, you reader, your Snapchat is probably terrible, a vertical angle unsteady panning shot of a bar is fucking art though, am I right? I assume at this point the Hallmark Christmas movies are all shot and written on iPhones. I should probably give some context for my clear familiarity with and hatred for Hallmark Christmas movies: my mother watches them constantly during the holiday season, by holiday season I mean from a week before Thanksgiving until roughly a week after Christmas. Sometimes, I think she’s watching the same one again and then it just turns out that the plots are so similar that I have trouble telling them apart. Maybe I don’t pay enough attention or maybe they don’t put enough effort into them. I mean, I get that they’re churning these things out probably once a week to air on each Friday before Christmas, but for the love of god even the D list actors look like this work is beneath them.
By Meredith Mclaughlin
Staff School Band Enthusiast
If there was a dictionary entry for the phrase “homogenous suburban high school with very low-budget music and art departments,” you can bet a picture of my high school would be right next to it, because I would have made that dictionary just to make this point. But yeah, when it came to self-expression, my school was kind of like the town from Footloose. That’s why when death metal band Acicula was formed, it was a topic of hot gossip. No one knew what to make of a garage band that played songs with titles like “Murder Passion” and “Queen of Brutality.” I think a lot of people joked about it when it first started up because everyone’s favorite song at the time was “The Boys Round Here” by Blake Shelton, and because Erik, the lead singer, was known before that as being the guy who wore a top hat and trench coat. That’s why everyone was a little shocked when Acicula actually started gaining traction and booking gigs. And honestly, I’m not a big fan of metal, but I went to one of their shows and they were talented. Acicula, something that started out as a local meme, became a success with two albums and 16 songs.
Let’s just hope there are Nifflers in the afterlife
by Jack Archambault
There are two things in this world that I am an unequivocal nerd about: sports and Harry Potter. In fact, the latter has become something of a sick obsession lately, as my love for HP has been given new life over the past few months for various reasons, not the least of which being the release of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. As jazzed as I was for this movie and am for the remaining four(!!!) in the franchise, I was disappointed that a large number of people didn’t share my unbridled enthusiasm. And while it maybe (definitely) is a swipe for cash by J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros., after believing that the wizarding world was done for good, I am thrilled to be invited back. In fact, I was so excited that I went to the red carpet and world premiere at Lincoln Center. After waiting on the sidewalk and seeing the actors up close, as well as some muggles in costumes that were, shall we say, bloody brilliant, I was ready to leave. But luckily for me, magic was in the air, and it was in the form of three Warner Bros. employees who were giving away tickets to go inside and see the movie. Being the hot and charming guy that I am, I got one. I was Charlie Bucket with a golden freaking ticket. I was in.
The hardcore punk band shows off their talent
by Reyna Wang and Regana Alicka
Earwax Editor and Staff Concert Connoisseur
As soon as we stepped into the backyard of The Meat Shop, the Bronx location of NYC hardcore punk band Show Me the Body’s five borough live residency, two strangers came up to me and my friends and gave us sparkly smiley face stickers to put on our faces. By the time I left The Meat Shop, I had experienced a bloody and very literal Body War, the title of the band’s latest release. The night made me realize that frontman Julian Cashwan Pratt is spot on when he calls hardcore the music of the people.
DC doesn’t stand for Director’s Cut, ya know...
by Scott Saffran
Staff Extension Enemy
2016 was to be the coming out party for the DC Entertainment Universe. When the Marvel Cinematic Universe was launched with 2008’s Iron Man, DC was still in the process of producing their box office-shattering Dark Knight Trilogy. DC was well behind the ball, and desperately needed to play catch-up to reach the ever-increasing returns of Marvel’s ever-expanding universe of films. 2011’s Green Lantern was the first attempt at producing a film for a DC property outside of Batman and Superman and it was absolute garbage. So, DC readjusted to give it another go in 2013 with Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel. The end result was not for everyone and diverted significantly from historical presentations of Superman, but it was well-made and certainly fit the bill as a potential foundation for a world of DC films.